The Boyz in Da Hood and The Boyz in Da Boardroom
STRAIGHT OUTTA REDMOND
A Gangsta Rap Tribute to Microsoft and Others
By Steven Salemi, The Computer Guru, Santa Fe
(To the Beat of N.W.A.’s “Straight Outta Compton”)
You are now about to witness the strength
of an entrenched customer base.
[Verse One: Bill Gates]
Straight outta Redmond, crazy little system called Windows
Even people who use it think it blows
Move the mouse now, bring down the house now
That’s no problem, it’s a beautiful cash cow
We stole the system from Steve Jobs
Threw in file manager…some extra knobs…
But yo, that’s cool, he stole it from Xerox
Took lots of notes when he first saw that box!
On a fateful day, Palo Alto, CA
All the big ideas, didn’t even have to pay!
Free R and D, oh man, you gotta love it
Tweak a few things, tell the lawyers to shove it
Mouse, drop-down menus, windows, graphical design…
He took it all home – but I made it all mine!
And the rest? It’s history!
Why people buy this junk is a mystery
3.1, 95, 98, ME…
…XP, Vista, 7, 8… to eternity!
In truth, it’s an infinite regression
Gives the users a case of terminal depression
Crashes, freezes, blue screens of death
But I’m laughin’ till my very last breath
Count cash, feed the poor, play bridge with Buffett
Told my critics, yo man, you can stuff it!
Left this big mess to Ballmer now
So my life’s getting calmer now
But if I come back, boys, I’m comin’ straight outta Redmond!
Chorus:
City of Redmond, City of Redmond…
Bill Gates: Yo Steve!
Steve Ballmer: Whassup?
Bill Gates: Tell ‘em where you’re from!
Verse Two: Steve Ballmer
Straight outta Redmond, another corporate gangsta
Got the ethics and the morals of a hamsta
Rulin’ the world, underneath my bald dome
Why worry ‘bout Google Chrome?
Got Windows 8, Surface tablets, and RT
New phones, lots of cash, and time to Par-ty!
Got the stuff, but the people ain’t buyin’
My sales managers and partners are cryin’
Ya’ gotta have patience, this is all being written
We’ll be on top again, and I ain’t shittin!
Those Androids should have been the tip off
Gotta’ find something new, someone new to rip off
Meantime, ya gotta give us a pass
Iphone, ipad…you can kiss my i-ass!
So what if the stock is standin still?
Look at Apple, man…ya’ gotta chill!
Windows, Office, and X-Box savin’ the day
Give us the customers…we’ll make ‘em pay
Got licenses, activations, and product keys
We take the money, don’t have to say please!
I’ll get jeans, a black T-shirt, and a pair of cool specs
Just stand up on stage, and watch ‘em genuflect!
Worked for Steve Jobs, it’ll work for me
Maybe even a hair piece – I’ve got the money!
Pretty soon, like Apple, we’ll be drowning in cash
God knows, we got plenty of products to re-hash
We’re like the IRS, we ain’t goin’ away
Clint Eastwood, just lookin’ to make your day!
Straight outta Redmond…
Chorus:
City of Redmond, City of Redmond…
(Steve Ballmer) Stevie is his name and the boy’s comin…
Verse Three: Steve Jobs
…straight outta Heaven!
Hey, yo, you remember when I was dyin’?
Well, hell, that’s no reason to be cryin’
Up here, everybody’s got their own flock
Got all kinds of time, don’t have to punch the iClock
If you like to go fishin, we got plenty of hooks
Or sit around all day, readin’ Isaacson books
If you don’t feel like talking, then ya don’t have to speak
And yo, the stock market here is always at its peak!
You see, in heaven there’s no busts and no booms,
Just the music of the spheres, always playin’ on iTunes
In China, the workers are miserable at Foxconn,
But here, suicide is not an option
Like Napoleon on Elba, I got the streets paved
And if you’ve got an iPad, don’t worry, you’re saved!
We got iHarps, iClouds, and lots of iRules
But it still beats hell, so don’t be an iFool!
Havin’ lunch with Tesla, and dinner with Edison
We don’t get sick and we don’t need medicine!
Forget John Sculley, up here you can’t get thrown out
Each and every single product is a blow out!
When the big man told me to go back to earth
Next time I saw him, gave him a wide berth
I’ve been there, had that, dreamt that, done that
I got new worlds to conquer, and that is that!
There’s a million other planets, universes, and galaxies
The idea we’re alone on earth is just a fallacy!
And when I say “Galaxy,” don’t get me wrong,
I don’t mean that crappy garbage from Samsung!
If death seems to you like a scary dark alley,
I’ll take the valley of death, over Silicon Valley!
Up here, we got cosmic views, got retina displays
And lots of groovy things to do to spend our days
But the best thing up here, for he who waits, is
We’re ten trillion miles from Ballmer and Gates!
City of Redmond, City of Redmond…
(Damn, that ware was soft!)
– END –
The Computer Guru 